Hey Curt,

I hope this letter finds you doing well. I’ve been meaning to write to you for quite some time, because I have an amazing business opportunity that’ll make both of us a ton of money, and make you the biggest sports hero since Pat Tillman.

Look Curt, I admit, the bloody sock incident in the 2004 playoffs was one of the most brilliant achievements in sports’ history. I mean, a bloody red sock for the Red Sox star pitcher, at a time when the city of Boston needed you more than ever, fuckin’ brilliant man. And then the $1 million challenge to anyone who could prove it was fake, when you clearly couldn’t be caught since all the evidence had long been destroyed and all we were left with was hearsay from your teammates… pure genius! Only you could get away with a stunt like that, Curt. That’s why I’ll look no further than you for my business proposal.

You know those fake arrow-through-the-head hats people have been wearing to lame Halloween parties ever since Halloween has existed? That’s all you dude! Picture this:

Game 7 of the ALCS versus the Yanks, Curt Schilling has the start but is nowhere to be found, then all of a sudden, halfway through the National Anthem, you come running out from the dugout straight to the mound with a fake arrow through your head. The crowd goes nuts.

We make up some bullshit story about you leaving your house on the way to the stadium, getting stuck between a cross fire of a Navajo and Cherokee battle or some shit and BAM!, you took one to the head. The camera zooms in, and no one can believe what they see. Jack Buck is ejaculating through his eye sockets, SI has you on the cover and then as Man of the Year, the Sports Guy has you splattered all over ESPN.com, and you are God for the next 365 days. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know this sounds a lot like the occurrences of three years ago, but this is different, Curt. There really wasn’t a way to profit from the bloody sock, but with this, we can make a killing. Think about it, what month are the MLB playoffs? October. What month is Halloween? October. Get my drift?

I got a connection in China that can pump 10,000,000 of these things out by next week for $.14 a piece. We plaster a little ‘#38′ on them and sell them for $20 a pop, and BOOM, we’re Mark Cuban rich. We split this thing 50/50 and laugh all the way to the bank. I know you and your wife are into charities and shit, and with the money we’re talking, you could fuckin’ save like 100,000,000 baby seals. This is big time, Curt, and I want you to be a part of it with me.

Take it or leave it. But if I don’t hear from you within 3 days, I’m going to Clemens with this. That son-of-a-bitch will do anything for an extra buck.

Later,

Joey R.