I can’t be the only person nauseated at all the coverage of Josh Hamilton, can I? If Josh Hamilton has taught kids anything, it is:

1. Get good at baseball.

2. Self inflict harm on yourself by doing coke daily.

3. Stop doing coke daily.

4. Get good at baseball again.

5. Voila.

Realistically, you don’t even need to be that good of a baseball player; you just need to be pretty good, because relatively speaking, any production on the field by a recovering coke head is a tremendous accomplishment. Anyways, you’re welcome for the free advice. Good luck pulling it off.

Today was almost one of those non-posting days, as I just got my ass kicked by a practice Florida Bar Exam, and I am in the mood to do nothing but sleep, bone, or get hammered. That is, until I learned that Jaguar’s psuedo-WR, Matt Jones, was arrested in Arkansas for something related to drugs. Then, even better, I come online only to find out that ex-Gaytor, Teddy Dupay, has been arrested for allegedly beating and raping some chick. There’s only one thing I like more than athlete mug shots, and that is Florida Gaytor athlete mugshots. And honestly, could it have happened to anyone funnier than Teddy Dupay, notorious for gambling allegations in college? No. I love it.

Here’s the latest drug runner toy from Europe. This thing can reportedly scream across the English Channel at 60 knots with a full load of fuel and…whatever. The story goes that the British Coast Guard was so astonished by the speed of the unknown boat when picked up on radar that they brought in a special high-speed helicopter to chase it. We’re told that the craft was designed with low profile and painted black to make it difficult to spot on the water. Allegedly drugs were found on board when they caught it.

Ummm, correct me if I’m wrong… but didn’t Shaq go to the Suns, while the Suns were in first place in the West, only to finish the season in sixth? And didn’t they perform the worst in this season’s post season than any other in recent memory? Maybe I was just dreaming. Sorry, Shaq, but without D. Wade, you don’t have another ring either.

“He said Shaq gave a bitch a mill? I don’t do that, because my name’s Shaquille.” Brilliant.

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.” — George Carlin

Not even a month after Marshawn Lynch’s Porsche was involved in a hit-and-run, driven by an invisible man, J.J. Arrington has been arrested for brawlin’ in a Norf Carolina night club. I don’t have many other details on the situation, but I love that I heard about it 5 minutes of my last post, requesting that an athlete please get arrested soon. What can I say? I’m a regular Miss Cleo.

The Vicks are officially my favorite sports family of all time. Mike Vick truly has nothing on his bro, Marcus. Stepping on peoples nuts, pulling a gun on teens at McDonald’s, and now, DUI from cop on bicycle. Classic!

Marcus Vick was charged with driving under the influence and related traffic charges after fleeing from a bicycle officer early today in Norfolk, police said.

According to Officer Chris Amos, police spokesman, a bicycle officer approached a couple arguing in a car in the 200 block of Granby Street around 2 a.m. Friday.

When the officer asked for the man’s identification the car took off at high speed, Amos said. A few minutes later another officer spotted the car and stopped it in the 300 block of Armistead Ave.

Vick, of the 5100 block of West Creek St., failed a sobriety test, Amos said, and was charged with DUI, misdemeanor eluding police, reckless driving and driving on a suspended license. The woman, identified as Delicia Lenora Cordon, 24, of Miami, was charged with being drunk in public.

My opinion of Reggie just gained so much cred in my book.

Here’s Cedric, just hours before his arrest and pepper spray treatment. That would be his mother behind him, and multiple somewhat attractive but slutty white girls behind him.

I wish I got started early like this.