My apologies for the lack of updates. I had family (pet) issues last week, and things didn’t turn out how I would’ve liked for them to, so it’s been a really tough week/weekend for me. I’ll try and post some goodies today, but if I’m a bit slow in the upcoming days/weeks, you know why. Don’t stop coming back to Ballsiest, though, because I will be back in the swing of things eventually.

If you haven’t noticed, I write Ballsiest stories just as I like to read them, short and to the point. There’s nothing I hate more than a story giving every unnecessary fucking detail in the world. Worst of all is the New York Times, which has stories that require you to click to four different pages to read the entire story. That said, the writer of this story in Ohio is my new idol. Read it to see why.

Amazing.

Holy hell, that cruise went by entirely too fast. I feel like I just left, and here I am, five days later, 10 pounds fatter. The cruise was f*cking awesome. The Bahamas (from what I vaguely remember) kicked ass. A gay guy in Key West didn’t appreciate my asking of him how to get somewhere. In his words:

I am not your pillar of information here to answer all your questions. You are classless and tasteless.

He sucked, but he had the sweet gay handlebar mustache and shaved head, for which he earned some brownie points.

Allow me to give everyone a serious recommendation for future reference. If you are ever planning a cruise, make sure to plan it around the University of Florida and Florida State’s spring breaks. The girls were smokin’ hot, but the guys were the epitome of douche bags. They clogged and fogged the casino and had enough hair gel to set the ship ablaze 50 times. Again, the girls were hot as could be, but I honestly don’t know if it was worth it to have to deal with the douche baggery of the assholes 24 hours a day.

So it was beautiful timing that just after spending five days with Semenholes and Gaytors, I come back to hear about this story, of a University of Florida cheerleader who faked police reports of someone stalking her, apparently for attention:

Blurb:

Lauren Beard, 20, was charged with the misdemeanor after reportedly telling University of Florida Police that someone had been sending her e-mails and instant messages claiming to know her routine, to be following her and watching her. UPD Detective Amanda Spurlin said Beard admitted she sent the cyber messages to herself after turning in another e-mail to police. “This started on Feb. 12 when she told us she had received two messages,” Spurlin said. Investigators said Beard, who lives in an off-campus apartment, brought in a fifth e-mail to police on Monday and was arrested after admitting she had sent them to herself.

“We were able to trace this through an IP address,” Spurlin said. “These were sent from an AOL account. Anybody could have used her computer, but she did tell us that she sent these.”

Hahahahahahahahaha.

Apparently, there’s an abundance of sophisticated jackasses in London running into polls as their heads are down sending out text messages. This has prompted officials to place padding on polls on busy pedestrian areas, to prevent serious injuries for said jackasses.

Why can’t I stop the Benny Hill music from playing in my head?

Remember Kevin Johnson? I know, I, too, haven’t thought about him in like seven years. But KJ has just announced his intentions to run for mayor of Sacramento. Apparently, Sactown’s current mayor is a chick, with kind of a hot name Read the rest of this entry »

I truly hope none of you painfully sat through last night’s 80th Annual Academy Awards. Like usual, movies I’ve never heard of were nominated for awards, with the movie I’ve definitely not heard of winning the awards, the girls, in general, weren’t attractive, Jon Stewart was brutally not funny, the live music was torturous, and next to nothing exciting happened at all.

On the bright side, within 30 minutes of each other, Colin Ferrell and John Travolta slipped on exactly the same spot while walking up to the podium to present an award. Unfortunately, they regained their balance and didn’t eat it, but at least it provided us all with some entertainment in the most boring three hours of my life.

KISS lead singer, Gene Simmons, has a sex tape that just surfaced. I would say I’m like 20% interested in seeing this, mainly to see the kind of tang Simmons pulls in, but kind of also to see what his wiener looks like. Is that gay?

“I knew who it was,” he said. “It wasn’t just directed at me, there were other people around, too.”
He said Quinn was with a “big group” of friends numbering perhaps 10, and that the quarterback “wasn’t as involved as” others were in stirring up trouble. “He was standing back and letting his friends do most of it,” Harris said.

Awww, poor Brady just wants to fit in with the rest of the big boys. Douche.

I don’t care what the situation is, any boozers are welcome for a post on Ballsiest.

Barron Hilton was arrested Tuesday morning on charges of driving under the influence and carrying a fake driver’s license, authorities confirm.

His blood-alcohol level was .14 percent. the California legal limit for a person over 21 is .08 percent, but for a person under 21 (he’s 18), any blood-alcohol level is considered legally drunk.

The DUI charge is a misdemeanor, the more serious charge is carrying a fake license, a felony. Barron was booked at the Lost Hills Sheriff’s station and held on $20,000 bail. His Mercedes was impounded.

Gary Coleman recently got married to 22 year old Shannon Price in Nevada, in what I assume was the freakiest wedding ever.

Blurb:

“Nobody was around but the minister, preacher, the videographers, the photographer, the helicopter pilot and us,” “I don’t have issues with age, I have issues with intelligence … She’s more intelligent than I am and that’s what matters to me.”

Imagine them doin’ it. Seriously, imagine it.