Check out this monkey that lives at a zoo in Japan. I swear, he has the same exact body type of this guy who sat next to me at Dolphins games for 10 years of my childhood.

About 50 Macaca mulatta monkeys at Ohama park in Sakai, Osaka Prefecture have been so overfed by tourists they are now massively overweight.

A local report in April said that about 30 per cent of the animals are so huge they struggle to get around their 420-square-meter enclosure.

A healthy Macaca mulatta monkey weighs about 20lbs, but one of these chunkies is over 60 pounds.

…asshole.

Let’s recount my day:

- departure from Miami (9:00 am)

- while in transit:

• realized that the dumb lazy bitch who sold me my ticket marked that I was getting off one exit early, meaning I didn’t pay for the full trip to my destination. Made for a fun confrontation for a police officer, who was surprisingly accommodating.
• tried to fit and over-sized bicycle on an undersized train, only to piss off every patron within a 5 foot radius of me.
• guy berates Cubans to the entire Metro Rail (I’m half Cuban), then asks me for a quarter to “get him on his way”.
• three minutes later, guy forgets that I told him I don’t have a quarter and asks me again.
• hooker attempts to smoke a cigarette on train, only to be told there is no smoking allowed, only to ask where it says there is no smoking allowed, only to be pointed to the sign that says so, only to oblige.
• a group of three guys start circling my bicycle and nodding their heads.

Arrival in Fort Lauderdale (10:30 am)

For the way back, just repeat every single thing that happened on the way there, except the train was 90 minutes late, and instead of three guys circling my bike, it was two. Fuck public transportation. I’m exhausted. More updates not about me tomorrow.

I always feel strange when I go an entire weekend day without posting on Ballsiest. This evening, I’ve attempted to post a story three times, and every single time I logon to post, I get the biggest sensation to shit that I’ve ever had. I guess this means tonight’s Viatnamese food will be my first and last ever. But I just don’t get it… Normally Asian food totally gives me the runs, what with all the spices, etc. But tonight’s dish had literally no spices nor flavor, but it’s had me doing squats on my toilet seat all night. Anyways, I don’t even remember what I originally wanted to post, and being as someone just sent me a link to this video, here’s what you get:

I’m confused… when disposing of your baby, don’t throw it in the dumpster head first, but instead place it in gently? And be sure to take your baby to the fire department immediately after setting it on fire? Sounds about right.

What a f*cking douche baggy assistant. I hope Artie comes back… You HAVE to listen to this.

First, let me disclaim my hatred for politics. I don’t have a preference for any of the three presidential candidates still in the race. I just don’t care. It’s all lies and my life will be relatively the same in four years, as it is right now. I think Bush is a lying scumbag, but I share that sentiment with 90% of those in politics. I realize the Clinton impeachment scandal was not FOR getting a blowjob while in office. I just think this picture is funny. Leave me alone.

Vince Vaughn, who has recently started to resemble Jabba the Hut, looks like he had a REALLY rough weekend!!!

Yes, you read that right, THOMAS Beatie is pregnant [emphasis added because the person who is pregnant has a wiener.] Warning: the picture seen below is extremely disturbing.